For the second time in 10 years, the National Hockey League hasclosed its doors. In 1994, we were a nation unprepared -- how do youfill the void of turning the TV on once or twice a winter for fiveminutes or so to watch a game? -- but, this time around, I'm taking adifferent tack:
Like the fine folks of Raleigh, N.C., who don't even know theyhave an NHL team there, I'm going to pretend like we don't have twoNHL teams here in Los Angeles.
(That's right -- two hockey teams in L.A. You can't find a decentbagel or slice of pizza in this town, but on any given night, you canfind a traffic jam and a power play.)
(By the way, what are my good friends in Canada going to dowithout the NHL? Taking hockey away from Canada is like taking agarter belt away from Madonna. Canadians aren't as diversified intheir interests as Americans; minus hockey, we easily adapt to otherleisurely pursuits, such as street violence, "The Apprentice" and warin Iraq.)
Anyway, the NHL locked out its players last week -- which mightresult in the cancellation of the entire season -- and the key issueappears to be money.
(Best I can tell, the key issue in America always is money, datingfrom the Continental Congress, when John Hancock -- believing he wasovercharged -- angrily tried to return a quill pen to a SouthPhiladelphia stationery shop. Alas, Hancock did not have his receipt,so the shop owner told him to hit the bricks.)
Without taking sides here, I must say that NHL salaries do seem abit out of whack.
NHL players earn an average of $1.8 million per season; tarot cardreaders earn an average of $20 per reading, plus tips. And, praytell, which group is fulfilling a greater social need?
In Colorado, the Avalanche pays Peter Forsberg $11 millionannually, Joe Sakic $9.9 million and Rob Blake $9.3 million. Are youkidding me? Now, if Forsberg had discovered plutonium, or inventedthe snooze button, then I can see him commanding 10 mil, maybe $10.5million, but all he does is score an occasional goal in front of abunch of maladjusted people drinking lukewarm Coors Light in a cup.
Earth to the NHLPA: You're hockey players. Take off your skates,and what are you then? Field hockey players. Nobody watches you onTV. The only thing that could lower NHL ratings is if you replacedthe hockey puck with a soccer ball.
Frankly, NHL players have all the leverage of a PETA member at acattle ranch.
(Some locked-out players are expected to sign with Europeanleagues, others are hastily making dental appointments before theirhealth coverage expires.)
(Heisman Update: Hawaii's inimitable Timmy Chang, in his first twogames this season, was 38 of 66 for 302 yards and 34 of 50 for 363yards. Chang throws such a tight spiral, you could serve afternoontea on it.)
Meanwhile, NHL owners have a $300 million war chest to survive along stoppage. This sounds good on paper, but have you ever triedwithdrawing that type of cash? Heck, Bank of America charges me everytime I speak to a teller; if I actually want to get some of my money,they demand a court order and two stanzas of "O Solo Mio."
Besides, NHL owners aren't the sharpest skates in the shed. At themoment, there's a hockey team in Nashville; this is the equivalent ofputting a tomato patch in a meat locker.
The owners, who say that 20 of 30 teams lost money last season andthat 75 percent of revenues go to player salaries, want to institutesome type of salary cap, or what they call "cost certainty."
(This was the key issue that closed down my favorite southernNevada brothel in summer 1998.)
So we are faced with another bleak winter without Panthers-Thrashers partials on ESPNews.
Not to mention, what are newspapers supposed to do without NHLstandings and stats? My friends, I've got two words for you: Pokeragate!
Q. Who's to blame for that whole player-fan bedlam that broke outin the Texas Rangers' bullpen in Oakland? (Josh Krieger; Egg Harbor,N.J.)
A. Sports talk radio, Jerry Springer, "Diehard 2," a sports-driven culture obsessed with coddling jocks from adolescence, theInternet, Vince McMahon, Rotisserie League geeks, Little League dads,soccer moms, Spike TV, deer hunting season in Minnesota,"SportsCenter," manifest destiny and probably Bill O'Reilly.
Q. How will Martha Stewart survive in prison? (Geoff Springer;Houston)
A. The federal women's prison she's most likely to be sent to --in Danbury, Conn. -- has a cable package that includes Home &Gardening TV and Fox Sports Net.
Q. What's it like to know everything? (Al Moore; Los Alamos, N.M.)
A. It's a far greater burden than you can possibly imagine.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win$1.25 in cash!
No comments:
Post a Comment